Instead, let's take a journey to the spelling and grammatically challenged recesses of the
internet...namely, an unnamed Quake chat channel hosted on some backwater server.
Meet our two innocent victims, Game Freak and Movie Freak. Shhhhhh, let's step in
quietly, perhaps they won't notice they're on Candid Undertow...
Game Freak: ...so dude, I like did a roket jump up to the
legde and guess what?
Movie Freak: Uh, what
Game Freak: I didn't have any armor and barely any health, oops,
duh, hehe. Funny thing is, I
coulda just run up the ramp. I lost the match
Movie Freak: wtf, your a nad
Game Freak: Biteme, I could kick yor ass anyday. Anyway, I
here there makin a whole bunch of
movies on games!
Movie Freak: oo boy, I'll be in line for that one!
Game Freak: Waddya meen? Lara rulz! Who cares if
theres a plot, I just wanna see skin and
explosions! <g>
Movie Freak: Every here of the Super Mario Brothers movie?
Game Freak: c'mon dude, you cant compare a freakin' ninteno game
to something like Doom!
Movie Freak: Oh yeah, I seemd to have forgottin that they are both
games with no plot whatsoevr.
ok, how bout the Streat fighter movie?
Game Freak: wat!? you cant compare a mofo arcade game to something
like my boy quake!!
Movie Freak: Oh yeah, I seemd to have forgottin that they are both
games with no plot whatsoevr.
Lemme try again, Mortal combat mvoei
Game Freak: Okay now yor pissing me of! you cant compare a
mofo arcade FIGHTING game to
something like my boy quake!!
Movie Freak: Nevrmind...
Game Freak: A Doom movie would rock!
Movie Freak: so tell me what the movie would be abot
Game Freak: I dont no, a cool space marine blowin' the shit outta
stuff, trying to save the planet
from evil guys
Movie Freak: haha, hey, didnt youz writ the script for
Godzilla? :-)
Game Freak: Hehe, you suk dude. Okay what about Quake!?
Movie Freak: What 'bout it?
Game Freak: It would work!
Movie Freak: What would IT be bout?
Game Freak: well, a cool polygon space marine blowin' the shit
outta stuff after he crashes on a
enema base on a planet, ya know just like Unreal!
Movie Freak: Hmm, I see a trend here...
<Newbie has joined>
Newbie: hay guys!
unreal rocks the mofo world!
Game Freak: shuptup dork
Movie Freak: cant you see we're busy...go back to your AOL
chatrooms!
Newbie: u guys suck,
and you probaly suk at quake to! i could kill both you guys at the
same time in DM!
<Newbie has left>
Game Freak: okay, now that we'ze throwd out the trash, wat games
wuld make goode movies?
Movie Freak: I dont know, like mabbe sompthun with, oh, I dunno, a
PLOT!!
Game Freak: hey you freakaziod, quake and doom gottsa plot!
you hafsta go thru all the levels
and kill everything ta git out
Movie Freak: Thos ain't plots, their lameass attempts by game
desginers to buy there shit!
usually they puts in stoopid cutscenes or a one page storie at the front uv the
mannuel so they can justify wats going on in the game
Game Freak: i still think they all gots gud plots: duke,
Doom, quake, Sin, Tomb raider, all of em
would be cool movies
Movie Freak: your high man! u bean sniffin you're moms nail
remover or sumpthin? Final
fantasty 7 would make a cool movie! mabee even Myst.
Game Freak: whose high? wtf! FF7 is boaring as hell,
and you have to rede all that crap about
the charakters...just let me kill things and git to the end! and Myst!!!????
that
game is for complete looser wusses!!
<Threshkiller has joined>
Threshkiller: Who wants to die first? I'm running a
400 Mhz PII on a T1 with a Voodoo 2. I need
a little exercise.
Movie Freak: wats with your name, like you could beet
thresh!
Game Freak: ya, you suck! us guys could kill you at the same time
in DM! butt were busy
talkin bbout movies and stuff.
Threshkiller: ahhh, lowlife high ping losers. Okay
gents, enjoy your little "chatsy". If you ever
want to lose look for Threshkiller!
<Threshkiller has left>
Game Freak: man, is it me, or are we the only non-jerks who join this
channel! wat a bunch of
stoopied loosers!
Movie Freak: almost all games would suk as movies.
movies make good games tho!
Game Freak: you ever reed that doom book? that was good, he could
rite good!
Movie Freak: naw, i bought it but used it to light a fire
at a kegger. hehe
Game Freak: haha, mabbe there is a good use for the stories they write
bout games, <g>
Movie Freak: Heh he, yeah, I used pages frm an Unreal book
to pull poop off my cats ass! they
have really long hair!
Game Freak: God, yor sick dude! If you dont want them send them too
me!
Movie Freak: Sorry, the cat had diarrea last nite...all
gone!
Game Freak: Okay, howz about Dear Hunter! thay could make a cool
deer huntin mvoie, kinda a
cross betwen the Deer Hunter (ya know, wit deNiro), Deliverance (ya know, the guy
from smokey and da Bandit) and Redneck Rampage. Dudez with shotguns and
rocket launchers huntin deer and hillbillies. Man that would ROOL!!!
Movie Freak: Uhhhh...what? do u have brane damage?
Game Freak: ok,ok,ok...how bowt Titanic, oh crap, nevermind...
Movie Freak: HYPE, that movie was a average piece of
bloated HYPE!
Game Freak: I got it, how bout...
Let's leave the meeting of the
minds. Very interesting debate...if your name is Beavis. I think I would have
to side with Movie Freak on this one...though Game Freak did have some good points for a
fartknocker. For participating in our little eavesdropping experiment, The Undertow
is sending our intrepid linguists free movie passes to Tomb Raider The Movie if it makes
it to the bigscreen, two Blockbuster movie rentals otherwise, or an AOL trial CD if the
movie never sees the light of day. As a bonus, we are sending them a genuine jpeg of
the latest movie poster. I can feel their excitement already.

Let's face it, movies based on
any 3D action games is a big mistake. The only ones to benefit from these movies
ever being made are the intellectual property holders: id, Eidos/Core, Epic, 3D
Realms, Ritual, etc. Who would lose? The studios dumb enough to fall into the
hype that some games create, and moviegoers ignorant enough to flush $7-$8 down the drain
for the pleasure of wishing they had brought a cyanide tablet with them to the
theatre. Curiosity killed the cat. In this case, curiosity will also cost the
foolish his money. It will happend anyway. Even I will probably go to some of
these movies out of curiosity; mine being different from yours. I would go just to
see how truly horrible they turned out, while others would go to see some blood and
T&A. I would go to a half-priced matinee of course.
The only way these movies
should be made is through animation and then straight to video. The makers of SiN
(Ritual) may have the right idea signing a deal with ADV Films to bring their game to
video. None of them are worthy of the big screen. Hell, a lot of the trash
that comes to the theatre is unworthy of the bigscreen. Based on the precedence of
past Hollywood output, I may be proven wrong. Soon we may see a whole slew of movies
based on games.
There are a few select games
out there that would make excellent movies if done correctly...none of them 3D based, most
of them adventures or RPGs. "Done correctly". That's the key isn't
it? I can guarantee you that any movie based on a 3D action game would be a complete
hack job to make a quick buck. The Tomb Raider movie, if ever made, will be a
complete Indiana Jones rip-off, skin flick unless it can distinguish itself from the
Lucan/Spielberg powerhouse. To top it off, it's possible that Tomb Raider the Movie
may have to go head-to-head with Indy 4. That would be and interesting (and possibly
humbling) summer.
My prediction: D
Save your money for the Star Wars prequels and don't
hold your breath. Go play the games. It's more expensive, but at least you
won't be expecting anything other than a fragfest. Most of these movies will never
be made. Hollywood suits are asinine, but I have faith that they haven't de-evolved
to the caveman level...then again...
~ Neal Ulen
Drop me an e-mail and let
me know what you like and/or dislike about gaming, a particular title, or the industry in
general. As always, all (non-belligerent) criticism welcome!
The Undertow Copyright (c) 1998-99
Neal E. Ulen and
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